About Me

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Lagunitas, California, United States
Still looking through a 26 year olds eyes. Do we all feel like that? Sometimes independent, strong, fearless.... while at the same time insecure, meek, and full of fear. Can be persistent, steady, and focused...and then pretty much a total basket case. So there are no rules........only this moment. That's the hope. Love is all that matters, how much Love I hold in my heart and give to others. My dream and hope is to be divorced from the past or future, which keep me from the spontanaity and magic of the present.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Night of SANDY 10/29/2012


BEFORE this moment I was ok. But as he sloshed back from the neighbors generator for the third time, the wind howling, and howling is how it really sounded, the water up to his waist, and I looked out into the dark and the  water and realized how much and how high and how it was continuing to rise……..THEN I got scared.
Storms have been energizing for me in my life, I relish them, the thunder, lightening, wildness, unpredictability of all of it…..Love storms. Once on the Big Island one raged for about 10 hours, I could see lightening striking trees in the woods, the power out and the rain……oh all that rain. No fear, just amazement.

This experience was different, a new perspective, no beautiful sounding thunder or sparks in the sky to wow over. The lights went out and candles were lit. We listened to the wind pick up but the tide seemed stable. No real fear from inside just curiosity…
A few hours later the water rose to 4 feet outside, and the sub pumps failed, and the basement began to fill with water seeping through cracks along floor, through boarded up windows and below doors, when standing in a foot of water inside and realizing what was outside……………….reality began to set in. It was instantaneous, the realization that we couldn’t possibly walk out into that mire of dark and water to safety. We were stranded.

Within a few minutes the water rose enough where I went up a few stairs helping hold the flashlight while Jon attempted to plywood up the back door. All this in a matter of moments, realizing we’re here for remainder of storm, trying desperately to batten down the hatches as best he could in the basement and then……a loud crash, the sound of broken glass and splintering wood and water water everywhere…..flowing through the front wall breaking the newly installed windows and frames and then the front door busting through, water ripping the outside plywood off the windows and door…….the water rose to over 5 feet inside the basement. As this is happening we don’t see how items are rising in the water starting to float and then a 6 foot stack of hardwood flooring falls over missing Jon……and we are totally fucked. Sorry, but that word is too perfect not to use here.
My fear for Jon, his health, our lives, passed like a dream in these moments.

Dresser drawers and tools and wood, cleaning stuff, coolers and anything that floats all things imaginable; a basement filled with as sundry items floating running into each other as 3 foot surges plow through the open holes facing the bay. The wood flooring banging back and forth and into walls and stuff floating outside to who knows where……
This is when we headed upstairs, the actual living quarters, to relative safety watching the level of water climb stairs, while junk and broken pieces of someone’s life floated in and out with the tide.  My cell is dead by now, his is still working but no way to be rescued in all this. The water seems to stabilize on the fifth step down and we lie down to sleep. The banging below from the basement jolts us, with wood and furniture all night long a noisy soup, the sound of water louder than any banging. The wind, the water, some rain….surrounded by natural elements proving to us once again, water is the more powerful force to be respected always.

It is morning, after sleeping fitfully, checking water levels most the night. The wind has is calm , the tide still in surging downstairs. I look out the window from where I sit in bed and alongside the house  is a 30 foot sailboat. At first I think, Jon’s boat has floated over, and then realize it is not our boat! We go outside on the upper deck and review the carnage in the light of day. The water is so high around neighborhood there is no asphalt to see. Beside the huge sailboat on its side in our yard there is a pink kayak way in the back yard floating around looking inviting and like a possible way out of here. The rest is a war zone. An unimaginable wasteland of water filled with floating objects looking out of place and the next thought…..way way too much cleanup work. The kayak is too far to reach without wading to our chests, the water is cold, we are cold…..and still shocked about the whole experience.
Going down the stairs and out the front door was impossible with debris still floating jolting around the basement. Although the water level had fallen slightly the ocean bay surge was still causing a wake of continuous water in and out of the house.

 Our last texts on Jon’s phone were with friends who said they were coming to get us. ‘How’ was the problem.  I could see a man on a kayak about 200 feet away, too far to yell, but as he came closer to shore the tide took him back. It was then that I knew I would not stay another night in that house no matter what, even if I had to swim out.

 Gazing out on the devastation from upstairs, the quietness, the yacht club collapsed in to the bay; through all this watching and contemplation; the  ducks, the seagulls, the trumpet swans and the shorebirds who lived in this part of the shore, walked and straddled and made their day to day talking noises as if nothing had changed. As if the biggest storm in a hundred years had not just hit the northeast. That grounded me watching the shorebirds.

 Then from around the bend we see two men with water up to their chests, making their way towards us. One with a big smile on his face and a camera in his hand, our friend and rescuer.  My eyes fill with tears;  some from the leftover drama of the night before and most for the gratitude that people care, that we are cared for, that human smiles in the midst of carnage mean more than any loss incurred.

 They wade get  the pink kayak still floating in the back yard, we climb down the ladder from the second floor, and they float us to safety out of the cold amidst all the devastation, later to learn how much more others lost, how the coast suffered; that our experience was worse that some but not as devastating  as many others.

 There is more to the story; the aftermath, the grief, the cleanup, the loss of power for days and days, the homeless, and post traumatic experiences of some….but that is another story. This is just one couple’s story of surviving the night of Sandy.

Monday, June 18, 2012

I have been so remiss in writing on this, I feel like another person. No, not really, but feeling guilty and judgemental about my lapses gets me nowhere. And who cares, it's only supposed to be writing practice for me. Right.
So life moves on in places I would never guess, I continue to do the footwork and hope for the best. That means hoping for what I want. Not nessesarily what will happen, and who the hell knows what is good and right all the time.
People throw around the word FAITH, which I have great respect for. Just have a hard time having it, feeling, believing it, on a daily basis. True faith is letting go and accepting what is, that is, after I do everything in order for it to go my way.
I could get all personal about deatils: selling home, moving, love, energy, dreams, but really how boring for the rest of you. And actually, blasting my insides out to the cyber realm is boring to me too.
So really, I am moving towards something, a change, a charge. I feel a bit charged today. Good enough for now. And whoever happens to read this (besides me) I'm pretty sure I love you.