About Me

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Lagunitas, California, United States
Still looking through a 26 year olds eyes. Do we all feel like that? Sometimes independent, strong, fearless.... while at the same time insecure, meek, and full of fear. Can be persistent, steady, and focused...and then pretty much a total basket case. So there are no rules........only this moment. That's the hope. Love is all that matters, how much Love I hold in my heart and give to others. My dream and hope is to be divorced from the past or future, which keep me from the spontanaity and magic of the present.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Other Worldy Blessing

 
 

Have you ever felt you weren't in the real world, that world where everyday happenstance is predictable, with solid footing, that sense that we know where we are and have a semblance of control over our lives?  Yes, a long sentence, but think about it. What I think is the "real" world is really the never ending thought that I "know" something.
The other day I had an out of this world experience. It was other worldly and felt so true, so perfect. I felt I had not lived before that moment. My past, my future disappeared. All I felt was pure joy, and a happiness that seemed to flow through me. Drowning in grace, the horizon disappeared in front of us. I felt in a circle of Spirit that words cannot fathom. It was an energy, so sweet, the part of myself I feel is connected to another dimension, to the Source.
 
We drove the boat out on Barnegat Bay to watch the sunset. The last ride of the season before pulling it out of the water. Not a soul was on the water, it being November, and the shore was covered in colorful  shades of orange red yellow. It was incredibly vibrant, taking my breath away.
Whoever coined that saying "take my breath away" sure got it right. We watched the sun sink below the hills and rode out towards the mouth of the ocean. We found ourselves sitting in the middle of the bay, and the Light engulfed us. It was quiet, the horizon seemed to disappear, the colors spread out, the skies light mimicking the shades on the liquid surface. With every minute the radiance changed shades of different colors, continuing to amaze us with its magic.
We didn't want it to end.
 
We were in a Blessing. The grace filled moments we shared illuminated more brightly, the love we have for each other. We could literally feel the awe and gratitude exuding from our hearts out towards the Spirit surrounding us. When we finally had to drive the boat back towards home we knew we had experienced a moment to be relived again and again in our lives.
 
 
 
 
 

Friday, May 23, 2014

Long Time Gone

It's been awhile. I figure there is so much to read, so much to catch on, to learn, so little time....who the hell reads blogs regularly? Much less write one. I can't even really keep up the Facebook thing. It stills or deadens my brain immediately which could be used for other purposes. Not that I don't read some amazing items, and may even post them. Not that once in while I want to share a picture of my life with others......such a dichotomy. It also allows me to see some people I love to pieces which causes my heart to open or jump. And also it's a lot of crap.

And there is my own old belief about what I say doesn't matter, that it's not a sign of humility to write about my ideas, attitudes, thoughts, etc. What I feel and say may matter or not, but for this moment it's real for me. And is that worth putting 'out there'? So this is, once again, a practice for myself. A writing practice, a little like walking daily, or learning to play an instrument. Easy or hard as I make it.

Life is a whirlwind, a place of gratitude and, sometimes solitude, sometimes not, always choices and more choices. Today I live on both coasts, have two amazing places to be me in. One in the redwoods of Northwest California, the other on the Barnegat Bay in New Jersey.

I have family whose story could be a magnificent book (if only someone could write it....ha!)
And a hundred short comedic, philosophical, crazy and entertaining stories could be shared here.

Turning 60 has definitely awakened my heart to the time I have left. So has watching a friend die and other myriad experiences. I am grateful for all. We have maybe a day and maybe a small lifetime left. But life is meant to be lived each moment, hopefully without drama, a lot of thankfulness, open minded to the next moment, the next different perception, and most important of all......my love for others and how I generate that.

That's a big job right there. It is worth posting here. I do better visualizing and explaining smaller daily experiences of life,  and because Life is composed of those individual situations, lessons, moments of sadness and joy.....that is what I will write about.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Night of SANDY 10/29/2012


BEFORE this moment I was ok. But as he sloshed back from the neighbors generator for the third time, the wind howling, and howling is how it really sounded, the water up to his waist, and I looked out into the dark and the  water and realized how much and how high and how it was continuing to rise……..THEN I got scared.
Storms have been energizing for me in my life, I relish them, the thunder, lightening, wildness, unpredictability of all of it…..Love storms. Once on the Big Island one raged for about 10 hours, I could see lightening striking trees in the woods, the power out and the rain……oh all that rain. No fear, just amazement.

This experience was different, a new perspective, no beautiful sounding thunder or sparks in the sky to wow over. The lights went out and candles were lit. We listened to the wind pick up but the tide seemed stable. No real fear from inside just curiosity…
A few hours later the water rose to 4 feet outside, and the sub pumps failed, and the basement began to fill with water seeping through cracks along floor, through boarded up windows and below doors, when standing in a foot of water inside and realizing what was outside……………….reality began to set in. It was instantaneous, the realization that we couldn’t possibly walk out into that mire of dark and water to safety. We were stranded.

Within a few minutes the water rose enough where I went up a few stairs helping hold the flashlight while Jon attempted to plywood up the back door. All this in a matter of moments, realizing we’re here for remainder of storm, trying desperately to batten down the hatches as best he could in the basement and then……a loud crash, the sound of broken glass and splintering wood and water water everywhere…..flowing through the front wall breaking the newly installed windows and frames and then the front door busting through, water ripping the outside plywood off the windows and door…….the water rose to over 5 feet inside the basement. As this is happening we don’t see how items are rising in the water starting to float and then a 6 foot stack of hardwood flooring falls over missing Jon……and we are totally fucked. Sorry, but that word is too perfect not to use here.
My fear for Jon, his health, our lives, passed like a dream in these moments.

Dresser drawers and tools and wood, cleaning stuff, coolers and anything that floats all things imaginable; a basement filled with as sundry items floating running into each other as 3 foot surges plow through the open holes facing the bay. The wood flooring banging back and forth and into walls and stuff floating outside to who knows where……
This is when we headed upstairs, the actual living quarters, to relative safety watching the level of water climb stairs, while junk and broken pieces of someone’s life floated in and out with the tide.  My cell is dead by now, his is still working but no way to be rescued in all this. The water seems to stabilize on the fifth step down and we lie down to sleep. The banging below from the basement jolts us, with wood and furniture all night long a noisy soup, the sound of water louder than any banging. The wind, the water, some rain….surrounded by natural elements proving to us once again, water is the more powerful force to be respected always.

It is morning, after sleeping fitfully, checking water levels most the night. The wind has is calm , the tide still in surging downstairs. I look out the window from where I sit in bed and alongside the house  is a 30 foot sailboat. At first I think, Jon’s boat has floated over, and then realize it is not our boat! We go outside on the upper deck and review the carnage in the light of day. The water is so high around neighborhood there is no asphalt to see. Beside the huge sailboat on its side in our yard there is a pink kayak way in the back yard floating around looking inviting and like a possible way out of here. The rest is a war zone. An unimaginable wasteland of water filled with floating objects looking out of place and the next thought…..way way too much cleanup work. The kayak is too far to reach without wading to our chests, the water is cold, we are cold…..and still shocked about the whole experience.
Going down the stairs and out the front door was impossible with debris still floating jolting around the basement. Although the water level had fallen slightly the ocean bay surge was still causing a wake of continuous water in and out of the house.

 Our last texts on Jon’s phone were with friends who said they were coming to get us. ‘How’ was the problem.  I could see a man on a kayak about 200 feet away, too far to yell, but as he came closer to shore the tide took him back. It was then that I knew I would not stay another night in that house no matter what, even if I had to swim out.

 Gazing out on the devastation from upstairs, the quietness, the yacht club collapsed in to the bay; through all this watching and contemplation; the  ducks, the seagulls, the trumpet swans and the shorebirds who lived in this part of the shore, walked and straddled and made their day to day talking noises as if nothing had changed. As if the biggest storm in a hundred years had not just hit the northeast. That grounded me watching the shorebirds.

 Then from around the bend we see two men with water up to their chests, making their way towards us. One with a big smile on his face and a camera in his hand, our friend and rescuer.  My eyes fill with tears;  some from the leftover drama of the night before and most for the gratitude that people care, that we are cared for, that human smiles in the midst of carnage mean more than any loss incurred.

 They wade get  the pink kayak still floating in the back yard, we climb down the ladder from the second floor, and they float us to safety out of the cold amidst all the devastation, later to learn how much more others lost, how the coast suffered; that our experience was worse that some but not as devastating  as many others.

 There is more to the story; the aftermath, the grief, the cleanup, the loss of power for days and days, the homeless, and post traumatic experiences of some….but that is another story. This is just one couple’s story of surviving the night of Sandy.

Monday, June 18, 2012

I have been so remiss in writing on this, I feel like another person. No, not really, but feeling guilty and judgemental about my lapses gets me nowhere. And who cares, it's only supposed to be writing practice for me. Right.
So life moves on in places I would never guess, I continue to do the footwork and hope for the best. That means hoping for what I want. Not nessesarily what will happen, and who the hell knows what is good and right all the time.
People throw around the word FAITH, which I have great respect for. Just have a hard time having it, feeling, believing it, on a daily basis. True faith is letting go and accepting what is, that is, after I do everything in order for it to go my way.
I could get all personal about deatils: selling home, moving, love, energy, dreams, but really how boring for the rest of you. And actually, blasting my insides out to the cyber realm is boring to me too.
So really, I am moving towards something, a change, a charge. I feel a bit charged today. Good enough for now. And whoever happens to read this (besides me) I'm pretty sure I love you.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Hawaii Full Moon Eclipse

The stars almighty brightness stunning
My spirit humbled in their presence
Clouds and rain for weeks barely any sun
And this early morn all swept away for this spectacular sight
So many stars

The moon heading down in the western sky
A giant peach with a color like calm
Mesmerizing to watch the miracle
Of moon and sun and earth
Passing each other

Falling stars streaking by
More  magic like icing on a cake
Can it get any better
Standing alone with my thoughts
So much spirit so many stars

Friday, November 11, 2011

Full Moon 11/11/11

Today is the anniversary of the day I was given the gift of recovery. At least I think it was the 11th. Or close to it. Can’t really remember the exact day I picked up total abstinence and didn’t pick up anything else, but it was right before November 11, 1987.
Oh my, that day is a miserable memory. I said goodbye to my four year old son at daycare and my mother drove me to a treatment place. I call it a place because it wasn’t a ‘center’ or a hospital or cold and whitewashed. It  happened to be in the woods, up in the hills of western Sonoma county.  Looked like an old lodge in the redwoods, not fancy, just human and funky.  Which wasn’t what I was feeling in the least.
The way I ended up there is a story in itself. Let’s just say a recovering alcoholic of the old-timer variety was sitting across from me while I told my sad sack story. He was the Employee Assistance program person for the postal service at the time. This is when actual recovering addicts and alcoholics were running programs like this. Soon after, a masters degree was required. Don’t get me going on this subject or I’ll regress. As I tend to do. Anyway he cut me off while I was whining crying, and said he had a plan for me. Blessings to this man. But not what I was feeling about him at the time.
This was two days after being kicked out of my home by a husband who was angry, betrayed, and at his wits end. With good reason.  We talk about having the disease of addiction, but it doesn’t let us off the hook for the actions we take while in it. His denial enabled me to keep up my own, but once his was broken through, all hell broke loose, and I knew in my heart the bottom had come up to bite me in the ass. I felt my whole world had ended. And in many respects it had, and although many insights have come in the last 24 years, that day I knew only one thing. I was fucked.
As I write now, I see the slight dark humor in all our stories, our perceptions, the person we were compared to where we have come. It doesn’t erase the fact that addiction is a killer. Of our physical  selves, our bodies, some of us fatally. Never to see the smile of a child, the touch of a friend, the intimacy of love, the nature of our magnificent earth.
The disease increases the insanity of our minds that tell us we are separate, as we continue to live in that bubble of isolation and fear.  But, worst of all, it kills our spirits. The part of us which dreams, aspires, takes risks, guides us to courageous acts internally and externally. The spiritual nature of the disease and respect for what that feels like, to be spiritually bankrupt,  is what keeps me coming back for  human connection, for earthly connection,  the reminder that there is whole big magnificent world out there, keeping me in the loop of humanity. And that opens the door for so many other miracles. Too many to mention here, but miracles of mind exploration, body exploration, earthly traveling exploration….all of it.
Ok, so I got a little carried away there. Life is serious and joyful depending my thinking in the moment. Today I feel gratitude and so much love. Wish I could bottle it and give it away. Giving is receiving and I have received so much love. Today I will try to remember to smile every moment. And give that away.
Thank you…..xo